How to Help a Child Process Pet Loss

Saying good-bye to someone you love is the most searing emotional pain that exists. Experiencing it as an adult was startlingly debilitating. The idea of a child having to endure it is crushing, and my urge to protect and shield is immediately triggered.

If you are reading this; then you are probably either dealing with, or preparing to deal with, the loss of someone special in your family: your furry, or scaly, family member; and you have a child that is going to experience that loss too.

Unfortunately, there is no honest, or authentic way, to make the loss simple and painless. But; there are ways to make it better instead of worse; to make the loss something that is a shared learning experience that can help a child to feel safe in their grief, instead of alone, or even afraid.

Speaking honestly from a place of caring is the goal.

Please know that it is normal to feel overwhelmed and you are not silly, and you are not alone. This article exists because it needs to. Death is intrinsically sad and difficult to talk about. Talking to a child makes it even harder. You are doing a good job; it has brought you here.

The goal

Not to erase the pain — but to reduce fear and loneliness.

The aim is to help a child feel safe while they grieve, and to show them that sadness and love can exist at the same time.

Guideline 1: Accept that you are grieving too

The first challenge is to accept that you are grieving too. It is okay to show your child that you care and you are hurting too.

You need remain functional and composed, but being cold and stone-like; pretending you are not sad, isn’t necessary or helpful.

You can give yourself a pass if your voice breaks, if you have to stop to compose yourself, or tears escape while you are speaking.

A simple way to say it (if you need words):

• “I’m sad too. I loved them too.”
• ;,“It’s okay to cry. It means they mattered.”

This is not “too much” for a child when it is grounded and steady. It teaches them they are not alone.

Guideline 2: Meet the child where they are developmentally

Next, work to meet the child where they are developmentally. You don’t have to be a specialist to recognize a conversation with a five year old, is very different from a conversation with a pre-teen. For the communication to be meaningful; it has to be on a level they can accept.

For younger children

For a younger child you need to explain that death means they are gone, and not coming back.

If your family has a faith that includes heaven, reincarnation, or an alternate afterlife, that maybe a good space to discuss that and reference something that is already familiar.

Helpful pacing for little kids:

• Use clear, simple language.
• Expect repetition. They may ask the same question many times.
• Keep returning to the same calm truth: gone, not coming back.

For older children and pre-teens

An older child will likely already have that basic understanding that death is permanent and their pet isn’t coming back home in a recognizable form.

Their challenge will more likely lie in the dichotomous feeling that they still want the pet there; that they weren’t ready to lose them.

You can help by validating that feeling.

Explain that you are sad too and that is one of the hardest parts of losing someone you love: the love doesn’t just go away. That is something that hurts so much at first, but after some time, it helps keep the wonderful memories we have alive.

What older kids often need most:

• Validation without rushing them through it
• Permission to feel “not ready”
• Reminders that love continuing is normal

Guideline 3: Be prepared to listen (more than you talk)

Finally, when you talk to a child about the death of their pet, be prepared to listen.

An important part of grief is talking about what was special about the pet, what they will miss, and what they won’t necessarily miss.

It is okay for them to say they are glad they don’t have to pick up poops in the yard anymore.

This kind of honesty is not disrespect. It is a child (or anyone) trying to hold complexity: love, relief, sadness, irritation, sweetness — all in one place.

You can invite this gently with questions like:

• “What was your favorite thing about them?”
• “What do you think you’ll miss the most?”
• “What was hard or annoying sometimes?”

Then let the answers be what they are.

Guideline 4: Memorials can help make grief feel real and held

It is also okay if they want to do something to memorialize the pet.

A memorial is something tangible that can help a grieving person commemorate the loss of someone the loved. It can be as simple, or as elaborate, as you want.

What matters is that you are taking the time to acknowledge the loss of someone you and your child loved; and will continue to love, even though they are gone.

Simple memorial ideas (choose what fits your family):

• Draw a picture or write a note to the pet
• Make a small photo corner, or choose one favorite framed photo
• Light a candle (with supervision) and share one memory
• Plant something (a flower, herb, or small plant)
• Put their collar or tag somewhere safe as a keepsake

A steady reminder for you

You cannot make it painless. But you can make it safer.

Speaking honestly from a place of caring is the goal. When a child sees that love and grief can be shared — not hidden, not avoided, not feared — it becomes better instead of worse.